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The Hunt For The Laptop Of The Gods
I was spring cleaning the garage last week when I made an incredible and surprising discovery. Inside an old suitcase, under a dusty stack of Heat magazines, I found a mysterious manuscript bound with a simple extension chord and a few paperclips for good measure.
As I carefully unfolded the dusty bundle I made a quick scan of the Comic Sans text and realised something truly unbelievable - what I had in my hands was from the days of web 1.0! Stunned with awe I carefully attempted to read the full document, but without the reassuring backlight of my Apple iPad the task was nearly impossible.
With the help of a team of crack scientist I have now successfully analysed the parchment and can reveal that it dates as far back as maybe 2009 and is the journal of an average 21st Century member of the proletariat, detailing his exploits as he tries to find a decent laptop. Working round the clock I have successfully transcribed the fascinating account onto my netbook and here, for the first time, I can bring you fascinating excerpts from this forgotten treasure:
Monday, Friday, January 18, 2008
Today might as well have been Friday the thirteenth considering how dreadful it's been. Went to work in the dark and rain, came home in the gloom and rain. As I was crossing Albert Bridge I thought I saw a psychotic mime wielding a sharpened bassoon looming towards me through the mist. As I leapt for cover I tripped over a huddle of street urchins and my laptop went flying over the side into the cold Thames water. Lying in the road, having just thrown two-year's worth of work to the electronic afterlife, I looked up to see my would-be assailant was merely a boy scout in a cape carrying a complete collection of 1950s gravy packaging.
When I got home we were out of bread, must remember to buy some. Guess I'm going to have to spend my weekend looking for a new cheap laptop then. At least I am a millionaire.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
I was all set to leave the house and embark on a spot of laptop shopping this morning and was just studying the atlas to find the best way to my local high street (I may have walked it hundreds of times, but one can never be sure) when I noticed a spelling error in the labelling of nearby Great Milkwaffle Street. Well, you can imagine my horror. I immediately concluded that is was my responsibility to go through the entire A to Z in search of mistakes, document them and send a stern letter to the publishers. At 2am I finished my task and returned to bed, there were only two mistakes, including a picture of a goldfish wearing an eyepatch in place of Westminster cathedral, but I think the public will benefit greatly from my correction.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Came exceedingly close to obtaining a brand new laptop today, I made it to the High Street and everything. Unfortunately by that time I was bleeding quite seriously from the bites round my shins from the tiger I'd annoyed when I accidentally stood on it's whiskers whilst hiding in the undergrowth from a particularly aggressive fieldmouse. Also, the shop was closed. Went back to bed after a brief visit to the hospital.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Went online and bought a laptop, LCD TV and extra laptop memory from Ebuyer.
An extraordinary tale, I think you'll agree. I'm off to a museum now which has expressed interest in my finding as part of a collection on bits of paper people have found in their houses.
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